Middle Passage Mentor

My friend Nadhege, a successful business owner, wife and mother sent me this tweet: “We teach our daughters independence then turn around & baby our sons creating self sufficient women & men who are ok living wit them.” Tweet by Kira J @IamKiraJ

The tweet accurately captured the sentiment of all the tips in this entire series. Nadhege didn’t stop there…she sent me a video clip that I want to share now: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdkqW1Us/

I have been writing this series to help parents raise their son to be a good husband to his wife. Period

When people say, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I respond with, “How can a village raise a child when the men of the village don’t know how to be men?! I’m not saying single mothers have consciously weakened this generation of young men. I’m pointing out the attack on masculinity in the black household. Whether it’s fathers not being responsible to their children, or it’s mothers coddling their sons. I’m just worried about our youth that don’t respect anything. I’m tired of the excuses we make for our children and the honest conversations that we’re scared to have with each other.

My apologies for this vein of frustration but I’m just a little tired this month.

Anyway…the tip for this month…don’t give your child everything you didn’t have.

Happy Juneteenth.

MPM

Tip #4 suggested listening as a great tool for communication and understanding. It seems that my last tip conjured some reactions from mothers. I heard things like, “My son doesn’t listen to me.” or “I told my son the same thing but he didn’t believe me but when you said it, he’s all ears.”

Let me say this, I believe individuals, male or female, learn or comprehend differently. I’m not going to say gender roles because the male & female gender roles have been severely dissolved or morphed. The feminine behaviors that male children are picking up from their mothers is…hmmm.

Wait, I’m drifting.

I’ll take it a step back…this tip is not about listening or talking. This tip is about allowing your son or daughter to be with other men.

Where did that come from?!

Women are in the households, they’re in the churches, they’re in the schools…where are the black men? What I’m suggesting is you, mothers, take yourself out of the equation. He sees you all the time, he hears you all the time….you’re watered down, blah blah blah….all you do is hover and nag nag nag. (Joking, not joking)

I’m exaggerating but the point I’m making is…allow your son to be with other positive men. This will allow him to learn dynamically from other men.

YOU CAN’T SHOW HIM HOW TO BE A MAN! You can discuss it, explain it, describe it but a man lives it.

Look…no one is negating your ability and efforts as a parent…I dare not do that, women hold it down. I’m definitely NOT saying a mother or father is less than the other. I’m speaking of balance, as a race we have lost priority for the balance of a male/female household. What I am saying is that unfortunately for the last 3 decades there’s been an diminishing respect or latent attack on the black male. Since the inception of welfare, a black mans presence and value in black households has been squandered.

Resisting that rabbit hole…

So…allow you son or daughter to be around positive black men. I’m not endorsing the “thug” or the homosexual male friend. I’m saying a heterosexual black male that goes to work, pays his taxes, and has some spiritual base. Let your child see that dude in action. See him put on a suit, see him as a public speaker, playing ball, fixing the car, laughing with the kids, dancing with his woman…where is that dude? Find him and allow your child to see that because the nonsense on tv, the asinine reality series, the men in drag…those images are not helping the culture. These adult themes are not going to help produce the man you hope to see in families and in communities.

…back in the rabbit hole.

If he decides as an adult to be homosexual or dress drag that’s his adult choice but don’t obfuscate his choices or alter his values because of what he’s exposed to as a child.

So…the hope that your son or daughter will validate what YOU are saying when they’re out with other people. He will think, “Mom told me that” or another person will reinforce what YOU have told him. He will respect and appreciate you as his mother by choice not by obligation. You may be superwoman but you are not a man.

MPM

“If any human being is to reach full maturity both the masculine and the feminine sides of the personality must be brought up into consciousness” Mary Ester Harding

DISCLAIMER:  I’m not a psychiatrist or even a parent. This blog is my supportive opinion, which is based on about 26 years of mentoring young boys from the age of 7 to about 18.  While mentoring, I have also received formal and informal guidance from older black men/volunteers from the DC Chapter of Concerned Black Men, Inc. I also received formal training as a volunteer with Mentors Inc. My personal development and growth from the 7th  – 12th grade includes my attendance of an all male boarding high school called Girard College. While my opinion can be applied to young women, I believe most times I have an inherent bias towards masculine issues. My lens, for good or bad, is aligned to young males and men.

Your son has hunt, fish and survive on his own.

Hold on…we’re not living in the “homestead” days any longer so I should say, educate himself, work (make money) and navigate life by making good decisions…on his own.

The most important three words in my statement is “…on his own.” My previous Tip #2 was, “Let him fail!” To let him fail, tip #3 appropriately is… STOP doing everything for him.

You can show him how to do it…but don’t do it for him.

…and please God STOP hovering over him! Tell him to do it and walk away. Five seconds after the instruction, don’t ask, “Do you need help?” You are not helping. If he needs help, let him ask for it. Don’t anticipate the “ask”…make him ask for help. Making sure he won’t mess up is not helping him to develop problem solving skills.

I was raised by my step-grandmother, I would watch her tell my cousin, her grandson, to take out the trash. You would think that such a menial task is easy to do but moments after telling him to take out the trash, she would immediately lose patience with him and start grabbing the bag or performing the task before he even began. She would start correcting him as soon as he started taking out the trash. She did this with the majority of everything he did. I mean, she ALWAYS did it. Over time, he had challenges working through the problem. I witnessed this from the age of 7 until about 13 years old. It was like he was slow or handicapped but he wasn’t…he just never developed those basic skills and started to always second guess himself. She didn’t do this to me, he was her favorite and I always had to fend for myself. In retrospect, her favoritism towards my cousin back fired because I developed the cognitive skills to problem solve, adapt, and excel at a rapid pace…faster than her grandson.

I know some of you mothers will say, “Well he’s too young to do it on his own.” You might be right but I’ll ask, “If not now, when?”  When will you know he’s ready if you’ve never tested or allowed him to understand his own capability?

As adults we want to immediately help children…I know I do.  I’ve learned to resist and ask, “Do you need help?” When they respond, “No”…I walk away with the confidence that this individual will navigate life just fine.

MPM

Be a coach because coaches coach, they don’t play.

DISCLAIMER:  I’m not a psychiatrist or even a parent. This blog is my supportive opinion, which is based on about 26 years of mentoring young boys from the age of 7 to about 18.  While mentoring, I have also received formal and informal guidance from older black men/volunteers from the DC Chapter of Concerned Black Men, Inc. I also received formal training as a volunteer with Mentors Inc. My personal development and growth from the 7th  – 12th grade includes my attendance of an all male boarding high school called Girard College. While my opinion can be applied to young women, I believe most times I have an inherent bias towards masculine issues. My lens, for good or bad, is aligned to young males and men.